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FUK UP DAY   
01:44am 28/07/2005
  o man the shuttle launch was awsome. i was wiked close to it the sound took like 30 sec to hit us and the force of it shoot my van with me on top of it it was freaking amazing. BUT that day wasnt perfect. on my way up there i saw a guy get blown apart in front of a 18 wheeler. ok here is what happened. we were driving down 95 south and this motorcycle was driving at least 100 and he was swerving in and out of trucks and he we nt in front of the truck right in front of us and he fell off. we heard the truck slam on its breaks. and the guy was torn to pieces. i mean all that was left was his torso. his head both legs and both arms was gone. they were scattered across the highway and his intestine were on his back and his back bone was sticking up. it was fuking terrible  
     

now what?

 
   
08:13am 25/07/2005
  ok yall last night was fuked up. i got completly shitfaced and ended up eating out two girls even though im gay. i dont know how this happened expecially cause of the fact they were lesbians. but here's how it went down. it was me kaci(lez) chandra(lez) josh(straight) and my lil sis(straight) and we went over my friend chrises house. at first everything was kewl then i started doing shots of armaretto. ok we were a lil buzzed cause we did shot trains (6 or more shots in a row) amd so then we start to drink tequila, smirnoff, mikes, corona, bud, barcadi O, and i cant remember the rest. so im on the fone with my ex trying to get back with him when kaci comes out naked and ya im not ognna go into details. so chandra got jealous and ya again im not gonna go into details except for the fact i can use my tounge lol. now your probally wondering why im writing bout this at 8 in the morning and i cant give you an answer but i need a ciggy now lol. i miss yall up north cant wait to see yall again  
     

2 fuckers ¬ now what?

 
   
09:59am 12/07/2005
  sorry i havent updated in a while been very busy. ok i am offically back in florida as of last thursday. wednesday i went to bagly and saod my goodbyes to everyone. a few people including me broke out in tears.(i cried a real lot) and some people go "i wont say good bye but a see you in a whike" some people didnt care"see ya much much later" "hope you crash". but o well. anyway back to me i drove down here got stonned the second i was in my house and im stonned right now hehe i love my life but i hate my life also. i dont know im just thinking alot latley.omg b4 i forget i have decided to become just a bitch no not a bitch THE BITCH lol ok i need to stop now before i fall. ill try to update later peace out bitches  
     

now what?

 
   
10:02pm 05/07/2005
  Malchik gay
Malchik gay, malchik gay
Malchik gay
Malchik gay, malchik gay
Malchik gay
Malchik gay

Handsome
Tender
Soft
Why do you look right through me
thinking
"No"
I can't deny my feelings
Growing strong
I try to keep believing
dreaming on
And every time I see you
I crave more
I wanna pull you closer
closer
closer
closer
but you leave me feeling frozen

Malchik gay
Malchik gay
I can be
all you need
Won't you please
stay with me
Malchik gay
Malchik gay
Apologies, might-have-been's
Malchik gay
Malchik gay
can't erase what I feel
Malchik gay, gay
Malchik gay

Malchik gay

Ckoking
Back emotion
I try to keep on hoping
for a way;
a reason for us both to
come in
close
I long for you to hold me
like your boyfriend does
and though my dream is
slowly fading
I wanna be the object
object
object
object
of your passion but it's hopeless

Malchik gay
Malchik gay
I can be
all you need
Won't you please
stay with me
Malchik gay
Malchik gay
Apologies, might-have-been's
Malchik gay
Malchik gay
can't erase what I feel
Malchik gay, gay
Malchik gay

Malchik gay
Malchik gay
I can be
all you need
Won't you please
stay with me
Malchik gay
Malchik gay
Apologies, might-have-been's
Malchik gay
Malchik gay
can't erase what I feel
Malchik gay, gay
Malchik gay

Malchik gay, malchik gay, malchik gay
Malchik, malchick

Malchik gay
Malchik gay
I can be
all you need
Won't you please
stay with me
Malchik gay
Malchik gay
Apologies, might-have-been's
Malchik gay
Malchik gay
can't erase what I feel
Malchik gay, gay
Malchik gay

Malchik gay
Malchik gay
I can be
all you need
Won't you please
stay with me
Malchik gay
Malchik gay
Apologies, might-have-been's
Malchik gay
Malchik gay
can't erase what I feel
Malchik gay, gay
Malchik gay
 
     

now what?

 
   
04:23pm 05/07/2005
  wow its been a while lets see what has happened. i got my heart torn out of my chest, im going back to florida the 16, i now have a new addiction, i lost alot of friends, i got the tatu cd, i found out i was being used by a certian pre op trans slut, i lost my voice, i realized ill never be happy. wow alot for less than a month. good news i finally hungout with kevo yay it was interesting um my mother,lil brother and lil sis moved to salisbury. 0o ya i hate andrew with a fucking passion. thats about it. o ya tommy plz talk to me by either calling after 9 or iming e  
     

1 fucker ¬ now what?

 
   
10:54pm 19/06/2005
  this song is dedicated to justin i love you baby so much and i miss you so much it is hard to understand


When you're feeling lost in the night,
When you feel your world just ain't right
Call on me, I will be waiting
Count on me, I will be there
Anytime the times get too tough,
Anytime your best ain't enough
I'll be the one to make it better,
I'll be there to protect you,
See you through,
I'll be there and there is nothing
I won't do.

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you,
For you I will.

I will shield your heart from the rain
I will let no harm come your way
Oh these arms will be your shelter
No these arms won't let you down,
If there is a mountain to move
I will move that mountain for you
I'm here for you, I'm here forever
I will be your fortress, tall and strong
I'll keep you safe,
I'll stand beside you, right or wrong

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon (yeah, yeah)
I will be your hero your strength
anything you need (I will be..)
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you
For you I will

For you I will, lay my life on the line
For you I will fight, oooooh
For you I will die
With every breath, with all my soul
I'll give my world
I'll give it all
Put your faith in me (put you're faith in me)
And I'll do anything

I will cross the ocean for you (I will cross the ocean for you)
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you (Promise you)
For you I will, I will, I will, I will,

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need, (Anything you need)
I will be the sun in your sky (yeah, yeah)
I will let you wait for all times
Promise you (I promise you)
For you I will (Ooooh)
I promise you
For you I will
 
     

now what?

 
   
10:16pm 19/06/2005
 
mood: stonned
omg omg im sooooo happy i have a bf and he told me he loved me im so excited i just cant hide it i kno i kno i love him lol. but omg there was some drama last night i got in a massive fuking fight with my dad but it is cool now. today i got in a fight with my friend but o well not important she is a fuking douche but enough of her more of me lol. just so yall know im stonned right now hehe shhhhh dont tell anyone anyway i got a new fone yay and i love them hehe i got 3 of the best ringtones ever straight up-paula abdule i think that is how u spell it cold-crossfade and always-saliva there great im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hyper now hehe hehehehehehehe lol im bored someone fucking called me now dammit i command you call me now or die lol ok well ill update later night yall mother fukers hehe
 
     

now what?

 
   
06:47am 09/06/2005
 
mood: suicidal
I have no meaning
I have no life
I have no passion
I always get into fights
I have no friends
I have no one to love
I have no one to take care of me
I wont get another hug
You joke about my life
As if you really know
You joke about what happens to me
Like it even shows
You think i am useless
Just a waste of space
You try to make me go away
By hitting me in the face
You say all these words
And make me wanna cry
you dont stop telling all those lies
until you see the tears running in my eyes
so ill take your advice
and decide to end it all
i hope you will be happy
now that i have nothing at all
 
     

now what?

 
   
10:01pm 30/05/2005
 
mood: suicidal
S eeing you with him kills me
U sually i dont mind
I cant help how i feel
C ant i eva have someone for me
I cant hold on
D ying is the way to go
E veryone hated us dating

I need you
S ee what ill do for you

T he time is running out for us
H avent you realized i love you
E nough of you games with my heart

O nly you can help me
N o one will love you like i can
L et go of your fear and accept me
Y ou think im not worth the time

W hy havent you stopped me
A ll my feelings are fo you
Y ou laugh at me

O k you dont love me
U should at least attend my funeral
T he end is now

~~~~~~~~ dedicated to tommy, alisa, heather, matty ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
what else can i say bye
 
     

1 fucker ¬ now what?

 
drama pain misery death sadness   
06:26pm 29/05/2005
 
mood: blank
well im back in boston which is really fun so far(rools eyes). ok already since i have been back i have had some guy call my fucking cell phone and threaten me and call me a "fucking faggot" ok first off you dont call me a faggot unless i kno your joking and second off I dont know you so so dont EVER call me a fuking faggot ok. now im pissed again i feel useless just a waste of space. the feeling is killing me in so many ways. ok the thing is tommy found this guy named matty and tommy likes him alot and when i came over today i told him i still had feelings for him. and the part that is twisted is that i like matty to. and i met there friend heather who is adorable and i think she is great. she is also a juggalette. ok and so tommy and alisa have been fighting on and off all day and i feel like it is my fault. it is like im in the way it really sucks. so alisa and matty were talking and they just stopped to eat and heather and matty are talking now and i feel like im not in the "group" anymore. i dont know im just blabbering stuff but im saying how i feel. my mom caught my drunk off my mind last night it was interesting and tommy when you read this and i kno you will im sorry for likeing the guy you want to be with. im thinking bout not hangingout with him anymore if im gonna be in the way of his happiness. i kno you told me im not in the way and that your very happy that im back and all but it doesnt look like it at all and i kno im sounding like an ass so again im sorry. im sooooooo glad to be back in mass and im sure mass is glad to have me back
 
     

1 fucker ¬ now what?

 
   
07:01pm 18/05/2005
 
mood: shocked
omg so much shit has happened since i last updated. lets see prom was fucking awsome i dreesed up looking like a pimp and a hooker lol that was a fun time until someone od at the endwhich sucked........ well not really i hate that guy. im so bad lol anyways im single again o well he was an ass and omg today was so fuking bad. ok the deal is i was on my skool bus and we got rear ended it destroyed the car but we were ok. and after sitting there for an hour we got to leave. anyway were going down thomasvill rd and we get in another acident and this one os worse all the students get thrown forward and everyone is injurded. now some are worse than thers i was in the midle i fuked up my back and my neck really bad and i cut up my legs really bad so i was rushed to the hospital with like 16 other students it really sucked alot im ok now but im in alot of pain. o and anyone reading this frm mass call me if you wanna talk
 
     

1 fucker ¬ now what?

 
   
09:27am 12/05/2005
 
mood: high
sorry i havent updated in a while but there has been alot of drama, lets see my sis is bak in mass boo i miss her she is engaged to mike which is really cool, um i found out my boyfriend is a stalker funn(rolls eyes) um my prom is saturday. im so excited and shocked. for everyone up north this is the only time im eva gonna wear a tux so ya i have to take a pic for y'all. 10 1/2 school days left yayayayayayayayya. um lets see i got a pickup and im getting my license up north which is cool im gonna miss the bagly prom but that is cool. omg im gonna take a girl to the prom as a date scary wierd. lol well i miss ya mark miza skittles kevo kevin alisa tommy steph rita mike little mike if i forgot your name im sorry im pretty stonned right now lol god i love school 0o and btw when i get back were gonna have a party and if i flirt with you just go along guy or girl. ill update later and kevo read your post VERY VERY VERY FUNN lol
 
     

5 fuckers ¬ now what?

 
   
09:31am 02/05/2005
 
mood: high
Video code provided by MusicVideoCodes.com



good site for videos
 
     

2 fuckers ¬ now what?

 
   
04:41am 28/04/2005
  well im crying right now. its so sad ok im listening to a song my mom sang me when i was younger and i miss her now and it made me miss everyone up north expecially tommy, richie, alisa and they kno why here are the lyrics
If I
Should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go
But I know
I'll think of you every step of
the way

And I...
Will always
Love you, oohh
Will always
Love you
You
My darling you
Mmm-mm

Bittersweet
Memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So good-bye
Please don't cry
We both know I'm not what you
You need

And I...
Will always love you
I...
Will always love you
You, ooh

[Instrumental / Sax solo]

I hope
life treats you kind
And I hope
you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy
and happiness
But above all this
I wish you love

And I...
Will always love you
I...
Will always love you
[Repeat]

I, I will always love
You....
You
Darling I love you
I'll always
I'll always
Love
You..
Oooh
Ooohhh
 
     

4 fuckers ¬ now what?

 
   
09:22am 26/04/2005
  good song y'all should listen its pain by jimmy eat world



Video code provided by MusicVideoCodes.com
 
     

now what?

 
my peoms comment now   
06:06pm 24/04/2005
  hey just post my poems comment

NOW THAT I AM GONE
Four and a half hours I waited,
Waited for someone to catch on
But you didn't,
No one did
And so now I'm gone.

I'm sorry if i've hurt anyone,
But you did hurt me a lot,
Maybe now you'll care,
Now that I'm gone.

If you pull up my sleeves
And look what lies beneath
You'll see the scars
I left behind
For all of you to see.

You mightn't care
But i do,
I know you didn't
But I loved you.

Maybe now you'll understand,
All my pain,
And why I got mad.

Maybe now you'll see the truth,
And love me for me
And not for who
You want me to be.

What ever changes,
I don't care,
I won't see those changes,
I won't be there.





MY EXTERNAL CREATION
My skin is a prison
My soul the captured
I can't look at you
Without being enraptured

Your eyes are my key
Your lips my salvation
Rescue me from
My external creation

Words bring me tears
Musical emotion
Whisper to me
Eternal devotion

Take me away
To the far away land
Freedom embraced
In the palm of your hand



SOMETIMES I WONDER
Sometimes I wonder if I'm completely insane
and I wonder why I go on in life if there's
nothing to gain
I wonder why I continue to smile when I just want
to frown
and why I get back up when you knock me to the
ground
sometimes I wonder why you and I fight
and then make love that lasts through the night
I wonder why I bother to try to make you my friend
cause nothing really matters in the end
sometimes I wonder if there's life after death
and if suicide should take my final breath
sometimes I wonder if you even care a all
or do you just laugh when I get hurt and fall
and are you going to help me when the going gets
tough
or will you just shrug and say "ehh.. life's
rough"
will you rescue me when I start to drown
or will you be the one pushing my head down
sometimes I wonder if I'll ever learn to love
and I wonder why people I love are up above
sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be okay
or if in the shaddows is where I'll stay
I wonder if I'm what you expected me to be
or if you're dissapointed in me
I wonder if this knife
is really woth my life
I wonder if with god is where I'll someday be
sometimes I wonder if hell was made for me



RED SCREAM
In my room where I sat alone,
thinking about wut happened that day.
In the sudden silence, I hear a scream,
a scream of bloody murder.
I got out of my bed and ran,
I ran as fast as my legs would carry me.
I ran to my mom's room, no one was there,
I ran to my little sister's room,
and there she lay in a puddle of blood.
I ran to her side and started to cry.
My tears were silent,
and I was trying to breathe.
I store down at her,
her cut's were deep.
I felt a slight breeze rush by my burning face,
I looked over and the window was broken.
I began crying even more.
Thinking she had commited suicide, my sister was murdered.
Staring at the finger marks on her neck,
I started thinking about what happened that day,
and I thought that day couldn't get any worse.


when
When you loose the person you talk to
and still have so much to say
When you can't stop crying day after day
When heaven seems close and this world so far
When all of a sudden the sky looses its stars
When who you are is someone you no longer know
When you forgot the reasons you shouldn't let go
When the colors have faded and nothing seems right
When you are not sleeping cause you're up thinking all night
When you keep coming back to why are you here
When you're trying to see but everything's so unclear
When you're no longer fighting for a reason to live
When you're starting to wonder who god truely is
When the smiles have faded and you're facing the truth
When people tell you you're okay and you ask for proof
When you are wondering what life is about
When you are ready to take the cowards way out
When nothing is good and you've lost your friend
Keep pulling through don't end life like Jenn


pAiN
You told me that you hated me
you said you hoped i died
you said you'd never care for me
even when i cried
I cried my last tear
after the fight we had last night
I told you you didn't have to care about me for long
i wouldn't be alive for another fight
that night i took my life
with your very own knife
and prayed that you would be happier
now that im gone
i know you wouldn't show up
to my eva so sad funeral
you would probally be pre occupied
with boys on your mind
so i will say my farewells now
and quickly end this
but before i go
i will tell you this
im sorry for what i said
i was wrong for what i did
i wont be able to hurt you
for i am surley dead
so now that you felt my pain
and the water in the eyes answer me this
will you ever be able to forgive me
now that im dead?


IM SORRY
I know u told me not to
I know you told me why
I said i wouldn't do it
But it was all just a lie.
I went to the patry anyway
I should've been home by 10.
But I broke another promise
And stay later with my friends.
All we did was party
I didnt drink at all.
And im sorry for gettting you scared
When i forget to call.
Im sorry the driver was drunk
I swear i didn't know.
He was good at hiding it
Because it never really show.
We didn't start to speed
Until three blocks from the school.
I was wondering what he was thinking
Maybe it would make him cool.
I really wish the cops
Had caught us before the turn.
Cause now i dont know what to do
Now my lessons learned.
I wish i could see you
But the light is to bright in my eyes.
Instead all i can do is hear you
And all your painful cryes.
Please give everyone my unforsaken love
tell them there be for ever safe
ill hold them in my arms from above
When you right my name
Opon my angle shaped grave
Please circle it so i will forever be saved.
im sorry not for me but for you
because i never realized what one person could do
Yes the driver was drunk
And yes he let me down
But please forgive him
For having me buried underground



I CaNt
As I hear you call me name
I look over and see your pain
I cant help wonder if it is because of me
So i look at myself and realize what i have done
I cannt believe its all gonna end
I try with all my might to stop the bleeding
I try not to cry even though i know i am gone
I start to cry thinking about all i'll miss
i realize i will never get another kiss
So i start to cry and beg to god
That he will forgive me for what i have done
I was sad and iI wanted to end it all
So as I stare in a pubble of blood
I start to feel cold
Im getting tired and I faint
I tried to hold on but i cant


ThE ScHoOl
As I stare at the students as their running about
I see other students as they fall to the ground
I hear some people beg
And other people cry
I hear one student beg not to die
As they are begging i realize they dont want to die
i respond by telling them "thou shall not lie"
I pull the trigger once
I pull the trigger twice
I pull the trigger until it wont fire anymore
I realize there is only one bullet left
Should i kill the student who begged not to die
Or should i pull thr trigger when it is in front of my eye
I finally decide and pull the trigger
you hear a loud bang
As a body falls to the ground
the other one runs away
 
     

1 fucker ¬ now what?

 
   
10:57am 24/04/2005
  well honestly i dont care if i die anymore. i try so much to make people like me but in the end i get treated like shit. im sick of people using me abusing me and think of me as a quick fuck. ok casey i really do care about you i mean sweetie if i didnt care about you i wouldnt be posting this. but things need to stop. ok first of you fell for me ok you feel for how i am. but yet you want me to completly change. no way ill change a lil but not that much. second off it isnt a joke when you say your not gonna call me or ever come over my house again ok that not something to joke around with. and 3 but not least i DO HAVE TIME FOR YOU ok dont even be like that im sorry if my family wanted to spend time with me and it was in "your time" but sweetie you should know family first. ok im sorry but if you cant acept me for who i am then i dont know what to say im sorry.

anyway............... i have had such a fun week. i went to sea world with my fam and shamo attacked me with 7 waves i was soaked. then friday i went to wild adventures and had the time of my life. i mean it was so much fun. i love it and im going bak saturday to go see switchfoot free yay im so excited i cant wait lol. lets see um....... 25 1/2 DAYS til school is out i cant wait. well thats it for now i just woke up i need sleep lol but i cant sleep so im gonna drink alot of coffee.

and to the people that still haven't wished me a happy b-day kevo (ih82luviluv2h8) tommy (styles_617) T (dimbagqueen10) and im not gonna name the rest taking to long so ill just post there lj name so here they are 360douknowme, 3dbasketcase, ae_boi, avalonchic, awaste_ofpaint, beajcrazylikeme, billabong124, combos_r_tasty, cryingeyes823, fightin4myself, grlindiscize, lilmisschachi, lost2trance, magikshrooms ok to those people FUCK YOU
 
     

3 fuckers ¬ now what?

 
   
06:09am 18/04/2005
  I HAVE NO SISTER i hate you jenn with a passion unimaginable. you are the worst thing to happen in my life. you should have died in the fire in your room. i hate you i hate you i hate you. your a fucking cunt who needs to burn in hell. you are a fucking liar. all you do is lie about your age. your a slut you need to die. i hate you so much jenn i could punch you in the face right now. you have no idea how much i hate you. i wish you were dead so much i cant stand you. you have ruined just about every relationship i have had. expecially richie... i cared for him. but no that wasnt good for you you had to ruin my life as usual so just die YOU FUCKING BITCH FUCK YOU JUST GO BACK TO MASS I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN  
     

2 fuckers ¬ now what?

 
   
09:23am 13/04/2005
  well i just wanted to say to everyone that didnt wish me a happy birthday thanks. that means alot fucking assholes. lol no ur not assholes im pissed but not that pissed. instead your all dicks. well i cant wait til after school today. im getting my permit"raises his hands dancing" lol. im so excited bout it i cant wait lol well im listening to t.a.t.u right now and the teachers dont care yay lol well the bell will ring in a few but before i go i want to tell y'all how different the schedule is here than up there.
2nd period- 8:30~9:25
3rd perion- 9:30~10:25
4th period- 10:30~11:30(first lunch)
5th period- 11:35~12:25(second lunch)
6th period- 12:59~1:49
7th period- 2:00~3:00
ya myu school hours are totally different than your and i get out of school 2 weeks before y'all up north hehe well im gonna go ttyl
 
     

2 fuckers ¬ now what?

 
   
05:28pm 06/04/2005
  just got the pics tell me what you think
























 
     

4 fuckers ¬ now what?